Fatherly grief & Childless mourn

Updated: Sep 14, 2020

Following a break some months ago,

i’ve gone through so many phases, so many layers.

At a point, i felt like the biggest part of the grief was over.

I started to feel good again, but it was still like waves of ups and downs,

In between letting go and holding back,

smiles and tears, building and breaking.

Very exhausting and confusing process!

Very tired of those last months of roller coaster,

for now at least, I only wanted to be happy, not in a process!

What a dream!

For a month or so, i kind of shut down a little bit,

i even tried to keep friends at a distance.

The hermit in me wanted to hide away.

But I have been avoiding more than people: something in me that needed to be acknowledged.

At first, I tried to get busy, to direct my attention to something else.

It did work, for a short while.

The inner call to feel got stronger and stronger, until there was no more escape possible:

I imploded, and then i exploded...

It came out as such a deep core sadness, without name or form.

I was sad beyond meaning and words, beyond tears and sobs.

I felt a total loss of attraction for life, not a desire to die, more like a painful emptiness.

I couldn’t understand as it was not the loss of my partner that i was crying,

it was definitely something else, deeper, bigger than the person.

It took me a while (and a great friend!) to realise what i was grieving!

In breaking up, i didn’t lose only a woman, but also all the life i dreamed with her.

I lost the relationship and the so much desired fruits...

In fact, i was grieving, even almost mourning, for the loss of the child we didn’t have!

The father in me accepted that this child was not to come, and the pain was from

my refusal to let go of this heart longing and dream.

I don’t mean «i will never ever be a dad», i know.

Though, it will not be that child that my soul was calling in, with her….

For the first time, i really feel the father in me.

And now, I am a man, standing,