Shame & Desires

I thought i was kind of shameless, owning my perversity 

and dealing well with it. Oups!

Those last years studying tantra and exploring wild sacred sexuality made me face reality: i’m full of self judgments and shame!

Luckily enough, more than afraid, it got me curious and adventurous.

So I learned how to recognise it: resistances flavoured with excitation. A «no» that i need to justify!

How i deal with it? My usual reaction is: push myself to go there, often as a kind of self challenge

Through my experiences, It happened that the resistances were so strong that i could not enjoy the experience.

Often i pushed too hard on me and burned my wings. Telling to myself: «You should be able to do it! You must do it!».

Obviously, this pushing was self destructive, bringing more damage than openings.

Learning how to do it more gently, more respecting myself and my boundaries; i stopped pushing and started inviting myself into the experience. It then happened that the shame begin to dissolve itself into the action and the pleasure, step by step, until remained only a feeling of growth and fulfillment with a touch of excitement. ‘«i dared to do it!»

Like when as a kid i just did something that my parents told was i wouldn’t be able to do!

When the shame is fully embraced, it becomes an infinite sensation of satisfaction!

The feeling that i listened and respected myself; but also an increase in my capacity of empathy, in my understanding of the Oneness that we are!

Simply feeling more connected to myself and to everyone!

Discovering this raw aspect of me, i found that i have so many desires beyond the mind, actually the mind happen to be against it! It is like feeling an attraction, a curiosity, but in the same time, feeling that it is not right to do so.

How crazy it is to be against my own desires! How can i be against myself?

The more i flirted with shame, the more it revealed to me its subtle levels of action.

In its most simple expression: "i feel ashamed of…». It can be with more or less awareness of it, from an experience or thoughs, but it regards an action: this is the shame of doing something. The apparent part of my conditioning, manipulating my actions.

Then there is another shame, more subtle and more vicious: the Shame of having the though! «it’s bad to desire that! Should not even think about that!»

Here it is not about action, limitations on self expression, but about self definition. The conditioning by self judgment.

This is the one that makes me believe, consciously but mainly subconsciously, that i am not as i should be!

And if i go even deeper, i reach a dimension of shame that contain the archives of my whole self-censure!

The things i don’t even dare to think! In the topic of sexuality, there is here all the forbidden desires, forbidden under any circumstances: «You are not allowed to desire that!».

It is a censure so deeply rooted inside of me, it makes me believe that there is no desire at all. But for some reasons, it still triggers me.

This last one is the pandora box! Believed to be a protection from the evil…

but in reality, it contains my suffocating tree of self love!

If Shame disappear, what does remain is only God’s desire to experience himself!

Time to water God’s tree and taste its forbidden fruit!