No need for emotions, i have my mind!

The more i learn, the more i realise how much i don’t know nothing… specially about myself!

I heard and read so many time: Love yourself! Be as you are!

My critical mind often answered something like: sure i do!

...until the day when i painfully realised that i was not!

Not behaving as i am, not being really authentic to myself but instead, to the idea of who i am.

It took me long before i could see it, specially in the more subtle aspect, and some more time until i accepted that it was true:

- dear me, i don’t love you as you are! -

Ouch, that was very painful to realise!

I was trying to be someone else!

I don’t speak here about the external context of my life style, as career, family, opinions, ...

I already left that more than 15 years ago when i started to travel.

Actually i thought then that i was becoming myself. Leaving behind what society was imposing on me, letting go of social normality and familial expectations.

But self love is a work of removing barriers and it is often done layer after layer… from the more obvious until the most hidden

What i am speaking here about is much more vicious and subtle than life stylet: it is an underground sabotage of my deeper self!

The kind of undermining that happen only inside me, when and where no one is watching; welcome to the backstage of my (un)consciousness.

Let me introduce you to the last obsolescence of my ego:

- No need for emotions, i have my mind! -

Growing as a boy with 3 sisters, i’ve been introduce in my early years to the so mistaken concepts of masculinity:

ALWAYS be strong,

NEVER cry,

ALWAYS hold on,

NEVER give up.

… Be a good man!

To be able to do that there is no mystery: one must find a way to deal with his emotion as they are not understanding any of those Always and Never! 

My first instructor was my dad, then my uncles and school teachers join in to reinforce those teachings.

I know that their intentions were to make me believe that i am strong and that i can handle life as it is, specially when it is though. "You are enough!"

But through repetitions of challenges, humiliations and punishments what they wrote inside me, with capital letters and a very bitter ink is: «you should be able to handle that!» which led me, in my hours of so-thought weaknesses to the deep rooted belief that « i am not enough » .

Such a vicious process when their good intentions are taken as expectations and must… when a genuine desire to uplift becomes a deadly suffocating burden.

I lost my dad at the age of 13.

I can still remember those relatives at the funeral, again with good intentions, telling me:

«Now you are the man of the house, you got to be strong»!

One of my cousin came to me at the end of the ceremony and ask me:

«why didn’t you cried?» 

I remained silent but in my head i could hear:

«i must be a man now, i must be strong!»

I became my own instructor in the mastery of using the mind to shut down emotions.  

years passes, believes remains

I left the boy behind and grew up as a man.

Considering myself as quite sensitive and in touch with my feelings, i even allow tears and breakdowns, when alone.

But still: Never give up, Always be strong!

I believed that i was loving myself and others, being a good person with good intentions and deeds.

In my (open) relationship with my lover, i faced often very triggering situations, but in my head the response was always: you can handle that! aka «you should handle that».

Most of the times i did handle well but sometimes i explode, often like a delayed time bomb, not even understanding why did i explode now?

Until one day, after an argument, she told me: «i don’t even know who you are!» 

This was the ultimate trigger to break the mask.

From there i decided/accepted that i don’t have to handle anything anymore!

It didn’t took long before life offered me opportunities to work on that!

Soon arrived another triggering situation, my 1st reaction was to do as usual: handle it!

But i allowed the witness in me to see what was really happening beyond my mind.

It is when i started to understand more widely some shitty mechanism of my psyche.

Facing any situation, the mind judge: am i agree with that? is it aligned with my system of beliefs?

If the answer is yes then: «i should handle that», period!

If the answer is no then it is more tricky. Some anger and criticism may come out, i may want «the other» to recognise that he is somehow wrong or at least sorry, but still my head says: «i can handle that»